These are sound that I have collected from various sources around the net. Most are quotes, but for a more extensive collection of funny quotes, CLICK HERE.

[Season 1] [Season 2] [Season 3] [Season 4] [Various]


Season 2
"They might have been a little concerned because we just kicked the crap out of Apophis." -- O'Neill
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"You are weak." -- Jolinar
"Who's behind bars right now?" -- O'Neill
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"They would not have killed me. I am too valuable." -- Jolinar
"Which is exactly why we'll never let you go." -- O'Neill
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"Not every Goa'uld is an enemy to the people of this planet. The Tok'ra are real, no matter what Apophis has told you." -- Jolinar
"I have yet to meet one." -- Teal'c
"You have now. I am Jolinar of Malk'shur." -- Jolinar
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"Can you be sure he is who he says he is?" -- O'Neill
"I can not." -- Teal'c
"Unfortunately, we do not carry identification." -- Jolinar
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"Hear this. The days of the Goa'uld System Lords are numbered. Tell them that I died with hope. My death only feeds the fire that burns strong in the Tok'ra." -- Jolinar
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"Are you injured?" -- Teal'c
"Dumb question. But thank you. I think." -- Jackson
"You are welcome." -- Teal'c
"Just don't ever do that again." -- Jackson
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"The Goa'uld gave its life for me. It saved me." -- Carter
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"Well, this sucks." -- O'Neill
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"Witness if you will, a ghost town." -- O'Neill
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"What is that?" -- Hammond
"Those are bugs, sir! Big, ugly bugs!" -- O'Neill
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"All I'm saying is that not withstanding what happened to Teal'c, there might be invaluable technology on that planet." -- Carter
"Carter, there are bugs on that planet. Big, huge, ugly, honkin' bugs." -- O'Neill
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"If we do find Teal'c soon, we might have a way of saving him." -- Carter
"Okay. That's good news." -- O'Neill
"But...someone has to go back to BP63Q1 and catch one of those alien insects. Preferably alive." -- Carter
"And that would be the bad news." -- Jackson
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"He saved your smarmy ass, and everyone else on this planet. Does that count for anything in your world?" -- O'Neill
"Absolutely, and I am thrilled to get the chance to thank him personally." -- Maybourne
"General Hammond, request permission to beat the crap out of this man." -- O'Neill
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"Striking an officer is a quick way to a court martial." -- Maybourne
"I'm not gonna hit you, Maybourne. I'm gonna shoot you." -- O'Neill
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"I'll remove myself when you tell me how they do tattoos like that in Chulak." -- Punk
"The skin is cut with an orac knife, and pure molten gold is poured into the wound." -- Teal'c
"Ow, man, don't that hurt when they do that?" -- Punk
"Tremendously." -- Teal'c
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"Don't sweat it." -- Ally
"I can not prevent it." -- Teal'c
"I meant OK" -- Ally
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"Pack your bug spray, kids." -- O'Neill
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"What type of weapon do you possess?" -- Teal'c
"This? I'll show you, it's just a water gun. I was playing, see?" -- Ally
*squirts him, causes Teal'c to make a startled sound*
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"I ain't seen nobody, and even if I did, I wouldn't tell you." -- Ally
"Why's that?" -- Maybourne
"Because...I don't like the way you smell." -- Ally
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"Guess we shouldn't have loaded it, huh?" -- Jackson
"How else would she defend herself?" -- Teal'c
*He takes out own water gun and squirts Daniel before running off.* "How else?" -- Jackson
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"Teal'c look, I looked, it grabbed my head, I passed out, I came to, we're here, we're home ...Can we go?" -- O'Neill
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"You just said there's nothing cruvas with you." -- Jackson
"I did not." -- O'Neill
"Yes, you did." -- Jackson
"No I didn't." -- O'Neill
"Yes, you did." -- Jackson
"Didn't" -- O'Neill
"Did" -- Jackson
"Didn't" -- O'Neill
"Did" -- Jackson
"Cruvas, what is that??" -- O'Neill
"I don't know." -- Jackson
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"Um, well, my translation is a little bit vague, I think the circle means 'The Place of Our Legacy'. Um... Or it could be 'A Piece of Our Leg,' but the first seems to make more sense." -- Jackson
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"What is the reason for these padded gloves, O'Neill?" -- Teal'c
"So we don't hurt each other. ...I'll be honest with you, Teal'c: it's so you don't hurt me." -- O'Neill
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"This time of year, the direct line between P2X-555 and the Earth takes us within 70,000 miles of the sun. I have to update the computer's drift calculation to include gravitational space-time warping." -- Carter
"We know that!" -- O'Neill
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"How'd you know that would work?" -- O'Neill
"I did not." -- Teal'c
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"Little bump in the calculations, Captain?" -- O'Neill
"I'm sorry, sir. I don't know what to say." -- Carter
"Well, I'll tell you what, get us back home and we'll say it never happened." -- O'Neill
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"We also cannot tell anyone who we are or where we're from." -- Carter
"This is a top secret facility. Anonymity does not go over big here." -- O'Neill
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"Captain James T. Kirk, of the Starship Enterprise." -- O'Neill
"Your dog tags say otherwise." -- Thornbird
"They're lying." -- O'Neill
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"Our cameras saw some sort of weapon." -- Thornbird
"Well, it's hard to say." -- O'Neill"
"Some sort of state secret?" -- Thornbird
"No, just difficult to pronounce." -- O'Neill
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"All right, I'll be honest with you Bob. My name's not Kirk. It's Skywalker. Luke Skywalker." -- O'Neill
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"Listen. I don't know where we're headed, but they'll probably try to split us up. So we're not going to have much time to.." -- O'Neill
"�escape and hopefully live out the rest of our lives without affecting history." -- Carter
"Or..." -- O'Neill
"I can't think of an "or" at the moment, sir." -- Carter
"No 'or?'" -- Jackson
"There is an 'or.'" -- O'Neill
"There's an 'or?'" -- Jackson
"Sir, you can't just will something to happen because you want it to be a certain way." -- Carter
"Captain ... where there's a will, there's an 'or!'" -- O'Neill
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"In order to preserve our past, Katherine has to meet you for the first time years from now." -- Carter
"So we go in disguise. Pretend to be ... foreigners." -- Jackson
"How are you gonna do that?" -- O'Neill
"Well, I speak 23 different languages. Pick one." -- Jackson
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"How did you know?" -- Lt. Hammond
"Because we know you. We will know you. And for some reason, thirty years ago, you decided we were gonna need help. Otherwise, you wouldn't be standing there with a note. Now are you gonna listen to yourself?" -- O'Neill
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"You know, the 'Vette blew it when they went with that body style. They used to be so cool." -- O'Neill
"Actually, I was about four and a half years old in '69." -- Jackson
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"So what'd you do?" -- Girl
"We didn't, uh, we didn't do anything." -- Jackson
"We've got a little problem with ... the establishment." -- O'Neill
"I so relate to that." -- Girl
"So if you could take us as far as New York, we'd�." -- Carter
"I really love your hair." -- Girl
"Thanks." -- Carter
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"Your thing ... uh, that thing ... what's it symbolise? Peace?" -- Michael
"Slavery. To false gods." -- Teal'c
"Right on!" -- Michael
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"You said ... that you were in trouble with the establishment." -- Girl
"And ... we are." -- O'Neill
"We are." -- Jackson
"Just not the establishment of this planet. No, it's true, Michael. We came to Earth to hide among your people, a long, long time ago..." -- O'Neill
"From a galaxy far, far away." -- Jackson
"But now it's time to go home, and we need your help." -- O'Neill
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"Listen, I really have to say this. The two of you have been unbelievably..." -- O'Neill
"Groovy." -- Jackson
"Groovy, I think, is the word." -- O'Neill
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"Auntie Em! Auntie Em!" -- O'Neill
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"Oh, by the way, Colonel. With interest, you owe me $539.50." -- Hammond
"Yes, sir" -- O'Neill
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